Once again, ghetto style is cool everywhere besides the ghetto. Designer Jean Ratatouille apparently had a grand old idea to name one of his “looks”, in his APC clothing line, after the Jay-z and Kanye West song entitled, “Niggas in Paris”. He actually changed it a little, adding “Last Niggas in Paris”. (Please note that I did not replace any letters in the word “nigga” with any asterisks because I am black, I do not need permission, or a pass, to say/write the word “nigga”in its entirety.)
Surprisingly enough, people still read this crap. Scrolling through my blog posts of yester year is like looking through old Myspace photos. At the time, that hot topic shirt with Optimus Prime on it, and those Kanye West “stronger” sunglasses looked good, but it was actually a terrible, cringeworthy mistake.
Wow you guys are still reading my blog I see. I’ve honestly been too busy being a bad b!tch to have time to write anything, (just kidding to any of my family reading this, I don’t use swear words). In all reality, life has been one hot heaping mess of despair with a shot of happiness that has been trickling down my body like a new revelation, so in a nutshell, I have been just living life.
Guy meets girl, guy says “Hey I have a really good female friend that wants to meet you to see if you’re good enough for me”. Girl runs guy over with car then flees the country moving to London to find better men because, what the hell.
I have much more respect for pole dancers/strippers than I ever had. It is not easy supporting the full weight of your body on a pole, or being sexy in those sky high heels without snapping your neck as you crash to the floor.
Before beauty school I had great skin. During beauty school I was stressed, drinking 3 cups of coffee a day, not sleeping & my whole life was reflected on my face. When you are stressed your body releases hormones which can increase the amount & type of oil that is produced in your pores (a.k.a follicles) and it can clog them, prohibiting oxygen to enter and kill/ stabilize existing bacteria.
Since it’ll be a year since I did the B.C (Big chop for those who don’t understand naturalista lingo) let me just say that it hasn’t all been fruit loops and dandies. The struggle is REAL y’all, and if there is anyone out there that is thinking about going natural let me break it down for you and tell you what most naturalistas don’t talk about:
I was sitting with a friend and she just so happened to be on her Facebook page, and she brought my attention to a picture that was on her timeline. It was her friend, who had eyebrows like this:
I’m ALL for drawing your eyebrows in, and even I have fallen victim to over highlighting my eyebrows, and by the time I realized it was a terrible, terrible mistake, it was too late. Eyebrows should look as close to natural as you can get them. I have never seen anybody with naturally OVERLY highlighted eyebrows. Matter of fact, I don’t believe any makeup should circle your eyebrows completely, UNLESS it’s blended to perfection. I know a couple of girls who highlight the top and bottom and it looks perfectly fine, but when it looks like you gave a 4th grader a crayon and said “Do your worst”, maybe you should try again.
I’m not blessed with natural full eyebrows, I have to draw them in with my Browzings by Benefit. I think you have to find a happy medium when drawing on your eyebrows, and know that somebody elses shape may not be the right shape for you. Follow your natural shape and fill in where necessary to create the perfect brow!
I have been watching Saturday night live since Will Ferrell graced us with his top tier cowbell skills:
I have seen cast members come and go, and cried my eyes out when Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler said their farewells. I enjoy the vanilla variety of comedians on the show, and the way they connect with current events and the ever changing trends of pop culture makes me tune in every Saturday (meaning I watch it a few days later on Hulu). But when I watch SNL, and I see the best Good Burger employee ever, Keenan Thompson, doing an impression of Oprah, I wondered when will black women get a chance to shine on SNL. And this season, Leslie Jones and Sasheer Zamata got their chance.
YES! Black women that are going to be funny, not racially ambiguous, and dark skinned with natural hair (for the most part). When I saw them on screen I was ecstatic…but then as I watched them perform, my excitement fell flat. Now, I am not a comedian, but I am totally a critic of things I cannot do. They weren’t funny. When I tuned in for the SNL 40th season premiere, and the episodes that followed, their time on screen didn’t make me laugh. Not even a giggle. With Leslie being extremely loud and aggressive during her weekend update skit, and Sasheer’s terrible Rihanna impression, I have been disappointed.
I don’t know if the writers aren’t creating characters that will highlight the comedienne’s knack for comedy, or if they just aren’t delivering their lines in a way that really gets the audience laughing, but they are the least funniest cast members of this season. (Including Jay Pharoah, impersonations can only get you so far). There are YouTube vloggers funnier than these two. Hopefully, next season, their skits are better or they find some black women that are actually hilarious. I understand the public outcry that was circling around the SNL crew to bring in some females of color, but really, this is what we get? Try again SNL, you’re almost there. (Actually you aren’t, you have about one black person in general on your show each season, and like 3 black women since the show began. Get it together).
“Revamp, Re-do and Recreate! MAGIC” that is what all plastic surgeons say to celebrities in my mind. I wonder why young celebrities get plastic surgery. I think she was a beautiful girl without it. I promised to be a nicer blogger and stop talking mess about celebs, so I’ll just say that she looks very chiseled. Her jaw looks sturdy, she looks like that toy bird back in the day that you could balance on your finger by its beak and it wouldn’t fall. Her face looks very strong. Very firm. There.
…is totally safe. Trust me, I have been talking to strangers since I have been able to speak my first word (Beyonce), and I haven’t been kidnapped once. I don’t understand what all the hubbity bubbity is about. They have great advice, they’re all smiles, and are just trying to enjoy their half-caf on the rocks like the rest of the city folk.
Yesterday I talked with a nice man named Ted from Brooklyn. He was maybe between 35-79 years old (i’m not great with ages), and he gave me a good lesson on why the prices of houses have been going up, and that everyone in Marin County is yuppy scum. Thanks Ted!
I also ran into a nice old Iranian man, who came to USA to get a nice warm slice of the American pie. He asked me, after buying me coffee, if I could teach him English. Hmm, moderately creepy. I can’t even speak the English well me myself. Well, I said “SURE OF COURSE”, but no, I don’t want. Welcome to America old friend!
There’s a guy that sits by the window and creates postcards. His name is Leo, and he is the best postcard maker this side of California. While sitting down intensely drawing a restaurant on the side of a highway, an old friend of his saunters into the cafe. He says to Leo, “Hey! Michelangelo! How’s it going?!”, to which Leo responded, rather aggressively, “How come you never get my name correct?! My name is LEO! Not Michelangelo!”. I don’t think he understood the compliment his friend was giving.
I highly encourage you to sit at a cafe that’s close to your job or home or the box you live out of on mission street, and just watch. I love love love it.
Getting back into blogging is so annoying.
I have been tied up (not like that, you dirty animals), with work and school and living an A-List lifestyle, that I have completely had zero urge to blog. Looking at my blog you may notice I jump in and out of being serious and posting something once a month. Through it all, this old dusty thing has been up for a couple of years; and still getting a shocking FOUR VIEWS a day. I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. I would like to be a more serious blogger and write about the hard hitting issues, but I just don’t care about a lot of them long enough. Looking through my blog I have some embarrassing posts, I would like to delete them but it shows growth. From a peasant to a princess to a mutha f*ckin queen. I’m still a peasant, I just wanted to mildly quote Kendrick Lamar.
All jokes aside, I will be blogging about more mature topics, such as:
The coolest sippy cups
The latest monster high dolls
Will Heelys make a comeback?
And things of that nature. I still check my stats and see that you idiots are still reading this terrible crap so thank you, thank you all.
1. Have a Signature Dance Move
Whenever you prove someone wrong or you get that check after you’ve worked overtime, or you drive all the way to Nations to get that Banana cream pie, you need a signature celebratory dance move. Everyone will think it’s cute cause it adds to your personality, which adds to your flawlessness. Can’t nobody touch you boo. So here, pick a few:
3. Change All Your Contacts To Celebrity Names:
Casually leave your phone with the volume up in a crowded area (they may steal it but when they get a call from “Morgan Freeman” They might change their mind. This will just let everybody know that you’re A-List, you’ll always be A-List, and there is clearly nothing they can do about it. Not while Morgan Freeman is calling.
4. Be Unnecessarily Unavailable
People always want a hot item. Be that hot item. Be so hot that if anybody tries to touch you they they burn themselves and have to be rushed to the burn unit at Kaiser. Be so unavailable that you have to start charging for your time, if they need to see you that bad, stay flawless and make sure your fees are 500 an hour and up (but no funny business).
5. Wear Outlandish Fashion That’s probably going to be Trendy In The Year 2342
You want people in the future to look at a hologram of you and say “That girl/boy was wise, he was way ahead of his time”. Here are some examples.
Follow these 5 easy steps to become the baddest, most flawless being in the galaxy. Break hearts and swipe bank cards. You’re welcome!
Please send all success stories to UtterlyFlawless@BS.com