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White People and “GHETTO” Fashion.

Once again, ghetto style is cool everywhere besides the ghetto. Designer Jean Ratatouille apparently had a grand old idea to name one of his “looks”, in his APC clothing line, after the Jay-z and Kanye West song entitled, “Niggas in Paris”.  He actually changed it a little, adding “Last Niggas in Paris”. (Please note that I did not replace any letters in the word “nigga” with any asterisks because I am black, I do not need permission, or a pass, to say/write the word “nigga”in its entirety.)

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sassywig

Where Have I Been, You Ask?

Surprisingly enough, people still read this crap. Scrolling through my blog posts of yester year is like looking through old Myspace photos. At the time, that hot topic shirt with Optimus Prime on it, and those Kanye West “stronger” sunglasses looked good, but it was actually a terrible, cringeworthy mistake.

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I Deleted Instagram Because It’s a Magazine, I Don’t Like Magazines.

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Wow you guys are still reading my blog I see. I’ve honestly been too busy being a bad b!tch to have time to write anything, (just kidding to any of my family reading this, I don’t use swear words). In all reality, life has been one hot heaping mess of despair with a shot of happiness that has been trickling down my body like a new revelation, so in a nutshell, I have been just living life.

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Me.

Skin Care: A Journey Through Acne Land

Me.

Me.

Before beauty school I had great skin. During beauty school I was stressed, drinking 3 cups of coffee a day, not sleeping & my whole life was reflected on my face. When you are stressed your body releases hormones which can increase the amount & type of oil that is produced in your pores (a.k.a follicles) and it can clog them, prohibiting oxygen to enter and kill/ stabilize existing bacteria.

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Me on my way to church.

Hair: HONEST thoughts on Natural Hair

Since it’ll be a year since I did the B.C (Big chop for those who don’t understand naturalista lingo) let me just say that it hasn’t all been fruit loops and dandies. The struggle is REAL y’all, and if there is anyone out there that is thinking about going natural let me break it down for you and tell you what most naturalistas don’t talk about:

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NO!!!

Beauty: EYEBROWS

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I was sitting with a friend and she just so happened to be on her Facebook page, and she brought my attention to a picture that was on her timeline. It was her friend, who had eyebrows like this:

I’m ALL for drawing your eyebrows in, and even I have fallen victim to over highlighting my eyebrows, and by the time I realized it was a terrible, terrible mistake, it was too late. Eyebrows should look as close to natural as you can get them. I have never seen anybody with naturally  OVERLY highlighted eyebrows. Matter of fact, I don’t believe any makeup should circle your eyebrows completely, UNLESS it’s blended to perfection. I know a couple of girls who highlight the top and bottom and it looks perfectly fine, but when it looks like you gave a 4th grader a crayon and said “Do your worst”, maybe you should try again.

I’m not blessed with natural full eyebrows, I have to draw them in with my Browzings by Benefit. I think you have to find a happy medium when drawing on your eyebrows, and know that somebody elses shape may not be the right shape for you. Follow your natural shape and fill in where necessary to create the perfect brow!

YES!

YES!

NO!!!

NO!!!

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How to be Utterly Flawless in Less Than 24 Hours

tumblr_n92a6hAjGV1ts4kc2o1_400Let me hit you guys with the 411 before I go to bed. Here is a play by play on how to drop jaws and wallets while you’re giving life on earth.

1. Have a Signature Dance Move

Whenever you prove someone wrong or you get that check after you’ve worked overtime, or you drive all the way to Nations to get that Banana cream pie, you need a signature celebratory dance move. Everyone will think it’s cute cause it adds to your personality, which adds to your flawlessness. Can’t nobody touch you boo. So here, pick a few:

 

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3. Change All Your Contacts To Celebrity Names:

Casually leave your phone with the volume up in a crowded area (they may steal it but when they get a call from “Morgan Freeman” They might change their mind. This will just let everybody know that you’re A-List, you’ll always be A-List, and there is clearly nothing they can do about it. Not while Morgan Freeman is calling.

 

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4. Be Unnecessarily Unavailable

People always want a hot item. Be that hot item. Be so hot that if anybody tries to touch you they they burn themselves and have to be rushed to the burn unit at Kaiser. Be so unavailable that you have to start charging for your time, if they need to see you that bad, stay flawless and make sure your fees are 500 an hour and up (but no funny business).

 

5. Wear Outlandish Fashion That’s probably going to be Trendy In The Year 2342

You want people in the future to look at a hologram of you and say “That girl/boy was wise, he was way ahead of his time”. Here are some examples.

 

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Follow these 5 easy steps to become the baddest, most flawless being in the galaxy. Break hearts and swipe bank cards. You’re welcome!

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Please send all success stories to UtterlyFlawless@BS.com