Earlier today, Kim Kardashian-West announced the name of her baby boy: Saint West. Not too surprising, however, considering how the family has a penchant for shock, awe, and religious labels. This is just another foul against the religious the community…or is it?
…is totally safe. Trust me, I have been talking to strangers since I have been able to speak my first word (Beyonce), and I haven’t been kidnapped once. I don’t understand what all the hubbity bubbity is about. They have great advice, they’re all smiles, and are just trying to enjoy their half-caf on the rocks like the rest of the city folk.
Yesterday I talked with a nice man named Ted from Brooklyn. He was maybe between 35-79 years old (i’m not great with ages), and he gave me a good lesson on why the prices of houses have been going up, and that everyone in Marin County is yuppy scum. Thanks Ted!
I also ran into a nice old Iranian man, who came to USA to get a nice warm slice of the American pie. He asked me, after buying me coffee, if I could teach him English. Hmm, moderately creepy. I can’t even speak the English well me myself. Well, I said “SURE OF COURSE”, but no, I don’t want. Welcome to America old friend!
There’s a guy that sits by the window and creates postcards. His name is Leo, and he is the best postcard maker this side of California. While sitting down intensely drawing a restaurant on the side of a highway, an old friend of his saunters into the cafe. He says to Leo, “Hey! Michelangelo! How’s it going?!”, to which Leo responded, rather aggressively, “How come you never get my name correct?! My name is LEO! Not Michelangelo!”. I don’t think he understood the compliment his friend was giving.
I highly encourage you to sit at a cafe that’s close to your job or home or the box you live out of on mission street, and just watch. I love love love it.
Getting back into blogging is so annoying.
I have been tied up (not like that, you dirty animals), with work and school and living an A-List lifestyle, that I have completely had zero urge to blog. Looking at my blog you may notice I jump in and out of being serious and posting something once a month. Through it all, this old dusty thing has been up for a couple of years; and still getting a shocking FOUR VIEWS a day. I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. I would like to be a more serious blogger and write about the hard hitting issues, but I just don’t care about a lot of them long enough. Looking through my blog I have some embarrassing posts, I would like to delete them but it shows growth. From a peasant to a princess to a mutha f*ckin queen. I’m still a peasant, I just wanted to mildly quote Kendrick Lamar.
All jokes aside, I will be blogging about more mature topics, such as:
The coolest sippy cups
The latest monster high dolls
Will Heelys make a comeback?
And things of that nature. I still check my stats and see that you idiots are still reading this terrible crap so thank you, thank you all.
Surprisingly enough, people still read this crap. Scrolling through my blog posts of yester year is like looking through old Myspace photos. At the time, that hot topic shirt with Optimus Prime on it, and those Kanye West “stronger” sunglasses looked good, but it was actually a terrible, cringeworthy mistake.
1. Have a Signature Dance Move
Whenever you prove someone wrong or you get that check after you’ve worked overtime, or you drive all the way to Nations to get that Banana cream pie, you need a signature celebratory dance move. Everyone will think it’s cute cause it adds to your personality, which adds to your flawlessness. Can’t nobody touch you boo. So here, pick a few:
3. Change All Your Contacts To Celebrity Names:
Casually leave your phone with the volume up in a crowded area (they may steal it but when they get a call from “Morgan Freeman” They might change their mind. This will just let everybody know that you’re A-List, you’ll always be A-List, and there is clearly nothing they can do about it. Not while Morgan Freeman is calling.
4. Be Unnecessarily Unavailable
People always want a hot item. Be that hot item. Be so hot that if anybody tries to touch you they they burn themselves and have to be rushed to the burn unit at Kaiser. Be so unavailable that you have to start charging for your time, if they need to see you that bad, stay flawless and make sure your fees are 500 an hour and up (but no funny business).
5. Wear Outlandish Fashion That’s probably going to be Trendy In The Year 2342
You want people in the future to look at a hologram of you and say “That girl/boy was wise, he was way ahead of his time”. Here are some examples.
Follow these 5 easy steps to become the baddest, most flawless being in the galaxy. Break hearts and swipe bank cards. You’re welcome!
Please send all success stories to UtterlyFlawless@BS.com
Wow you guys are still reading my blog I see. I’ve honestly been too busy being a bad b!tch to have time to write anything, (just kidding to any of my family reading this, I don’t use swear words). In all reality, life has been one hot heaping mess of despair with a shot of happiness that has been trickling down my body like a new revelation, so in a nutshell, I have been just living life.