Where Have I Been, You Ask?

Surprisingly enough, people still read this crap. Scrolling through my blog posts of yester year is like looking through old Myspace photos. At the time, that hot topic shirt with Optimus Prime on it, and those Kanye West “stronger” sunglasses looked good, but it was actually a terrible, cringeworthy mistake.

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How to be Utterly Flawless in Less Than 24 Hours

tumblr_n92a6hAjGV1ts4kc2o1_400Let me hit you guys with the 411 before I go to bed. Here is a play by play on how to drop jaws and wallets while you’re giving life on earth.

1. Have a Signature Dance Move

Whenever you prove someone wrong or you get that check after you’ve worked overtime, or you drive all the way to Nations to get that Banana cream pie, you need a signature celebratory dance move. Everyone will think it’s cute cause it adds to your personality, which adds to your flawlessness. Can’t nobody touch you boo. So here, pick a few:


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3. Change All Your Contacts To Celebrity Names:

Casually leave your phone with the volume up in a crowded area (they may steal it but when they get a call from “Morgan Freeman” They might change their mind. This will just let everybody know that you’re A-List, you’ll always be A-List, and there is clearly nothing they can do about it. Not while Morgan Freeman is calling.



4. Be Unnecessarily Unavailable

People always want a hot item. Be that hot item. Be so hot that if anybody tries to touch you they they burn themselves and have to be rushed to the burn unit at Kaiser. Be so unavailable that you have to start charging for your time, if they need to see you that bad, stay flawless and make sure your fees are 500 an hour and up (but no funny business).


5. Wear Outlandish Fashion That’s probably going to be Trendy In The Year 2342

You want people in the future to look at a hologram of you and say “That girl/boy was wise, he was way ahead of his time”. Here are some examples.


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Follow these 5 easy steps to become the baddest, most flawless being in the galaxy. Break hearts and swipe bank cards. You’re welcome!



Please send all success stories to